


Comfortable Silence is so Overrated

by AmethystAxas



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Dissociation, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Suicidal Thoughts, bpd connor, mentions of self harm (nothing graphic), there is a happy ending, venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-05-04 08:35:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14589150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmethystAxas/pseuds/AmethystAxas
Summary: Connor's having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, and Evan is there to make him feel better.





	Comfortable Silence is so Overrated

**Author's Note:**

> I want to preface this by saying this is 100% a vent post and probably won't be written realistically or true to character. I'm literally just using Connor to get out all my feelings and what I really want, so don't take this too seriously.
> 
> Also if you get the title ref, I love you, let's talk, you and me.

The pain tightened in Connor's chest like someone had reached right into his chest and was yanking on his heart, trying to pull it out. He felt nauseous but not enough that throwing up would solve anything, and there was a hollow sort of feeling beginning to take over from the center of his chest beneath his heart, spreading out slowly like poison seeping into his veins. He couldn't pinpoint exactly what this feeling was, and that was always a terrifying thing. Most emotions are crystal clear: anger, happiness, sadness, surprise, fear... but this one was some odd, dulled mixture. He wanted to break down and cry or go off and die somewhere, but it wasn't necessarily sadness. No, if he was sad, he'd be crying and there'd be a crystal clear and logical reason. Neither of those things were present. There was one thing that seemed to be it, but he would never blame Evan for his own issues, and he could very well be overreacting. When you're fucked up in the head, it happens all the time.

What may have possibly set this off is Evan being busy with school. Connor's workload seemed relatively simpler and even though his classes were more upper level, he found himself with seemingly far more free time than Evan let on that he had. Maybe Evan actually had tons of free time and just chose to ignore Connor. He wouldn't blame him. Nobody would. Evan had reassured him time and time again that he was actually busy, and Connor had come so far in understanding and accepting that, at least to himself. At first, he'd get upset. He wouldn't bring it up, of course, but he'd sit by himself at night and ignore the trust he'd placed in Evan to put himself down. Deep down. So down, in fact, sometimes, that it led to self-destructive behavior to cope. When the pain gets that intense and you can't get exactly what you selfishly desire, you do anything you can to try and get rid of it because it's debilitating, and it  _fucking hurts_. 

As months passed, Connor had begun to feel more comfortable with Evan's absence. Evan reassured him every time Connor seemed like he needed it or brought it up to put his mind at ease. Connor had probably hundreds of accumulated texts between himself and Evan, mostly used for times like these when everything hurt so much and the pain became unbearable, flames rising in his throat to sear his vocal chords, hot tears prickling in his eyes. The texts weren't working this time, and Connor's brain was so far gone from reality and being grounded in truth and facts that everything had become twisted.

"You're always handsome" became a lie to get into his pants. 

"You're really hot" became the same.

"You're a good person" turned into a sick joke.

"I appreciate you"  _no, you don't._

"I want to see you grow and be happy"  _only so you can leave me._

"I want to be your friend"  _so it's easier on both of us when you go._

"I think about you all the time" became the lie that really stung, mostly because it was true for Connor of Evan, but it couldn't be the same the other way around.

He was shaking now and his thoughts racing, wondering what to possibly do to make everything stop.  _Death_. He shook his head and his trembling increased.  _Nobody cares about you. What do you do for Evan? He makes you so happy, he makes your life feel like it's worth living, but you? You mean nothing to him. He could leave any second and be fine, but you're so pathetic it would destroy you._

"Please stop," Connor whimpered, holding his head in his hands. How do you quiet your own thoughts?

Evan and Connor had confessed that they loved each other still, after things had gone south the last time, but Connor didn't recognize he had a problem with attachment and lashing out, just to name two big issues, and Evan was too hot-headed and jealous for things to work, so things had to end. In time, they'd worked on the issues that had come up in the relationship and now they were friends, but despite the confession of still harboring intense feelings for each other, Evan was reluctant to be in a relationship with Connor again. Actually, he'd said he was reluctant to be with anybody, and Connor understood to an extent, but the boys acted as if they were in a relationship while Evan vehemently denied and disregarded it. Connor wouldn't push it and risk losing him for good, but it definitely hurt to have so much love and desire for someone cast aside for the six or seven months that they'd been talking again. Only had one short-lived fight, too.

The thoughts roared and duplicated, making his head start to hurt. Thousands of whispers telling him how worthless he is, how unworthy of love and good things he is, telling him he should never have stopped trying to kill himself. The pain began to dull from sharp to dull and aching, but he felt himself slipping away from his body so fast.

And then, everything stopped. 

He felt numb and empty, his body heavy. He raised an arm made of lead to touch his face and he couldn't recognize the feeling. He raised his other arm and rubbed circles in above his eyebrow. Nothing. He could feel the sensation in his fingertips and he could feel the point of contact where fingertips were touching his face, but at the same time, he wasn't touching his face. He slowly slid off of his bed and looked into a mirror, staring blankly at himself. 

"This isn't me," he stated, his voice dull as his eyes stared into a reflection of a face he'd seen a million times, but it was no longer his. He didn't look like this. His nose wasn't right and his eyes were a shade off. He looked so lifeless, and there was just something wrong. That might have scared him had he not felt absolutely nothing, and not in a calming way.

He suddenly recognized his phone had buzzed with a text and lethargically made his way over to check. Evan.

**Evan: Hey, sorry I didn't reply yesterday. I slept a lot and then had to catch up on some work.**

Connor slowly felt recognition in his fingertips as he picked up his phone to type a reply.

**It's ok.**

**Evan: Are you okay?**

Connor blinked and feeling slowly began to creep into his chest. Fear and nerves. Should he talk to Evan about this or just let it go? He pushed his thoughts of doubt aside and exhaled shakily to type.

**Honestly no**

**Evan: What's wrong?**

It took Connor's slowly-returning-to-normal-function brain a second to come up with an adequate and as logical as possible response.

**Sometimes I get afraid that you're going to leave me again. I know you're busy and need time to yourself or don't want to talk sometimes and usually I'm fine, but I guess there's a lot going on and I took you not replying personally and made myself upset, but it's not your fault.**

Those three dots were on screen for what felt like an eternity until there was a response.

**Evan: I don't want to leave you. I want to be here for you, it's just that I have a lot of work I need to do and when I'm not doing work, I like to have time to myself. I'm not going to ghost you.**

**I know and you've told me that before. It's just hard sometimes for me to recognize that and then I end up making myself upset over nothing. I'm a big baby.**

**Evan: You're not a baby, Connor. If I had more free time, I would definitely talk to you more. School is getting really intense and stressful lately and it needs my attention, I'm sorry.**

**No please don't apologize for needing to do your stuff. I just need to find a way to chill out with everything.**

**Evan: I miss you too.**

Connor blinked, feelings completely rushing at him and overwhelming him. Evan hadn't admitted to missing Connor outright like this. Maybe reading between the lines he had, but never completely out in the open like this. It took him a second to push aside all the positive and bittersweet feelings that had suddenly overtaken him to respond.

**You do?**

He never said it was going to be a good response, and if he was allowed to indulge in this selfish happiness for even a minute longer, he would cling to it.

**Evan: Of course I do. I know I don't ever bring it up or talk about it, but maybe I should.**

**What exactly do you mean?**

Connor's heart had started to pick up in pace. He'd been hoping and wishing for  _months_ for this final piece of happiness and stability to fall into place. He didn't know completely if it would help, but he knew for a fact that it would ease his mind significantly to be able to officially call Evan his again. He was hoping this was that conversation.

**Evan: I want to be with you. Like really badly. Nothing about you is short of amazing, and every time I see you in person, I get butterflies, and I haven't felt like that since the last time we were together. I didn't think I ever would again. You're beautiful, funny, smart, talented, and I want to see you happy and successful. The only reason we aren't together is because I guess I'm afraid of losing you again. I know I said I'm not where I want to be and I don't feel ready, and those things are true, but you make me feel things I thought were completely gone. I just don't think I can handle losing you again. You don't know how much it hurt to leave before. It didn't go away until you came back to me.**

Connor took a moment to read and re-read and re-re-read the message and couldn't help but break into a huge grin. Evan had put up walls and finally after many months, they were down. No more hiding or vague answers. No more pretending. This was raw and real and Connor knew it, even though it coincidentally worked in his favor.  _What if it's a lie?_ Connor killed that thought immediately. No, he was feeling better than better now. And he realized in his delight that he hadn't even begun to formulate a reply. 

**You're so sweet and you're way too good for me Evan. You know I want to be with you, I've told you before. And I'm so happy you trust me enough to open up to me like this. The last thing I want to do is leave you and maybe that's selfish, but I really do love you and I want you to be happy. If you think you can be happy with me in a relationship, we can always take it slow. Not that we've really been taking anything slow lol but whatever you need to feel comfortable in this, I'll gladly help with. Absolutely anything you need or want, if you feel comfortable coming to me with it, please do. And really if at any point you'd feel like it's not working, tell me. It's okay if you don't want it, I'd just be happy if you'd be willing to give it a chance. It's cheesy but i feel like there's a reason we came back into each other's lives as better people.**

He almost started crying in relief. Maybe this was the real underlying thing that had been setting him off. Insecurity and heartache. He literally had wished for and "put out positive vibes" for this to happen for months on end, and maybe the universe listened or maybe there was some wish granting thing out there somewhere that finally came along to him. Whatever it was, he was beyond grateful and relieved. He felt stupid and weak for feeling so betrayed and rejected earlier. All because he'd sent Evan a text and then checked later to see Evan liking stuff on social media. There were so many logical and reasonable explanations for it and he'd chosen the most irrational and selfish one. Typical Connor fashion.

**Evan: I think I'm ready to try this. I appreciate you and your patience more than you know. I also had a talk with Jared the other day and it made me think about things.**

**You don't have to say if you don't want to, but what did you talk about with Jared?**

**Evan: He pointed out that I talk about you and think about you all the time. You weaseled your way into my brain lol. And the way I feel about you is something I've never felt before in my life. I've loved everyone I've been with, but the way I feel with you is like something completely different. He made me realize you and I have pretty much been in an unofficial relationship for months, so I figured if we've already kind of been doing it, we should make it official, if that's what you want.**

**Yes that is definitely something that I want as long as you want it.**

**Evan: I do. I'll admit that I'm kind of uneasy about it though**

**That's okay. I don't even know how to begin to tell you how stupid happy I am that you're willing to do this. Thank you**

**Evan: Of course. I love you, Connor**

**I love you too Evan.**

There was a short pause before the next reply came, and Connor was filled to the brim with happiness. He thought he was a bastard, unworthy of love or care or anything, but here for some reason, he'd been given a second chance at possibly the best thing to happen in his life to date. Maybe second best after learning that he'd been accepted into his dream school after a whole lifetime of thinking he'd off himself by age 18. Even then, probably still takes first place.

**Evan: I'm sorry to do this but I really need to get back to doing homework. I have a long day tomorrow too**

**It's okay. You need to get your work done, I get that. Thanks for letting me know**

**Evan: Of course. We can talk more later if you want**

**I do. Go get your work done you nerd**

**Evan: Love you too ❤**

The storm had passed completely and Connor was lying in a hammock on a nice beach somewhere drinking fruit punch out of a coconut or some bullshit metaphor like that. Sure, he'd have episodes like this in the future, but he finally had the one thing he'd wanted for so long. It could only go up from here.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey wow you made it to the end. Sorry to be all dramatic like this, but I feel a fraction better than I did when I started writing this. I think sleep is what I really need right now, but hey if i wake up to a text conversation that goes as well as this fictional one, that's just gonna make everything 1038970238579753287% better for life.  
> If you don't get what's going on, I always write Connor like he has BPD since I have it and I relate entirely in line with the character of his that we're shown. And also that short lived dissociative episode in there is also something I experience. Maybe it's different for different people, but before anybody cries inaccuracy or portrayal, I literally wrote this as how I would and do experience things. I feel for you if you can relate, and if you don't, I hope you never do.  
> If you also read high voltage., hey how ya doing? I miss all my regular commenters on that. Comments make me so happy, seriously. Also if any of you Dear Evan Hansen nerds like the Dragon Age series at all, I'm planning on writing something for that soon since I just replayed Origins for the millionth time and 2 for at least the fifth and now Inquisition for the second. I'm on a kick, whoo.


End file.
